Forgive Me For My Sins
by Queen of the Ramen
Summary: As Dan lies dying in a hospital bed, he asks JD to forgive their father for what he had done to them. The only problem is JD has no idea what he's talking about. JDCox in later chapters. Warnings for character death, angst and child abuse.
1. A Confession

As Dan lay dying in his hospital bed, JD sat by his side the entire time, stroking his hand. He felt guilty for what had happened to Dan. He had, after all, been hit by a car while on his way to JD's apartment. Both his legs had been broken, several vertebrae veritably smashed into dust, ribs had cracked, internal bleeding... When JD had heard the crash and the sickening thud of a human body being flung onto and over the windshield, he immediately had a horrible gut feeling, a premonition that it was Dan who had been hit. He rushed down flights of stairs, fervently praying that he was wrong, but, unfortunately, he wasn't. He had stayed with Dan until the ambulance had arrived, when the other doctors said that nothing could be done and that they would make him as comfortable as possible, and he was still there, watching his brother die. Dan had mostly been unconscious the whole time, but occasionally drifted in and out.

Dan's hand jerked in his. He was conscious again. He began to take the oxygen mask he was wearing off in weak, jerky and ultimately futile motions. The look in his eyes begged JD to help him. JD lifted the oxygen mask off and placed it nearby, just in case. There were tears in his eyes. There were tears in Dan's, too.

"Oh God, Dan, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I-" JD began before Dan squeezed his hand.

"Don't JD. It's not your fault." Dan's voice was low and weak, JD had to strain to hear him. "JD..." Dan paused for a long time, eyes squeezed shut in pain. JD began to reach for the oxygen mask but Dan stopped him with a shaky hand. "No, there's something I need to tell you..."

JD shook his head. "You need to rest, so you can get better and get out of here..."

Dan gave a weak laugh. "There only way I'm getting out of here is in a body bag, little bro."

JD started to cry. "Don't say that!"

Dan grabbed JD's hand, wheezing slightly from the effort. "I need to tell you this JD, please... just listen."

JD's crying slowly abated and he wiped his eyes with his free hand. "Ok." He gave Dan's hand a small squeeze.

"JD... when we were young.. Dad..." Dan began violently coughing.

"Oh God, I'll go get a nurse." JD started to get up. Dan managed to grab the edge of his shirt, while still coughing.

"No.. I have to tell you." He said around coughs. "You need to forgive him JD. For what he did to us."

JD looked panicked. "What are you talking about?"

There was no answer.


	2. A Funeral

It was a perfect spring day when they buried Dan. As JD stood by the freshly filled in grave he wished that the weather had been able to match the roiling emotions inside him since his expression had been unable to. His face had been a placid mask since Dan had died, unable to shed a single tear since his passing. He dug his nails into the palm of his hand but was unable to produce even a wince at the biting pain.

The gravesite was empty, everybody else had gone long before. The sun was setting and JD watched its slow descent behind the hilly terrain. He couldn't bear to look down at his brother's eternal resting place, knowing that it would only cause more heartache that he'd be unable to express. He heard footsteps behind and didn't bother to turn around, expecting it to be a member of the grounds crew or perhaps the priest, come to give more condolences and empty platitudes.

"How are you?" There was compassion in Dr. Cox's voice, something he didn't expect to hear.

J.D. turned away from the grave, surprised that the other man had stayed behind, and glad for the distraction. He gave a wry smile in response.

"You know..." Cox paused too long, trying to gather his thoughts. "If you need someone to talk to..." He trailed off again, but this time he didn't attempt to go on.

"Thanks." JD said. Although it had been expressed awkwardly, he could tell the offer was heartfelt, yet another surprise from his mentor.

Dr. Cox nodded and started to head back, but turned around after a few steps. "How are you getting home?"

He hadn't thought about it. Ever since the accident he'd been wary about cars, but he'd need to get home somehow and he hadn't brought Sasha with him, think it would be out of place at a funeral. He had insisted on riding in the hearse on the way there, trying to get some final peace with his brother. "I guess I'll take a cab home."

"Let me give you a lift." Dr. Cox motioned with his head towards his Porsche, which was parked close to the cemetery.

"I'm alright." J.D. said. A raindrop fell and he looked up at the sky in surprise. A rather nasty looking bank of storm clouds had snuck up on him while he had been in reverie. _Great, **now** it rains_.

"Come on." Dr. Cox said, starting towards the car. He didn't bother to look behind him to make sure J.D. was following him, which he was.

They managed to get inside the car before it began to rain too hard.

"Well, that was fun." J.D. said, attempting to blot some of the moisture away with his coat, althought it, too, was soaked.

Dr. Cox held up a box of tissues.

"Somehow I don't think that's going to do the job." J.D. said, still futilely trying to blot. "You wouldn't happen to have a towel handy, would ya'?

Dr. Cox just held up the box of tisues again with a knowing, sympathetic look.

And J.D. wept.


	3. A Visit

Although he had been able to grieve in front of Dr. Cox, once he was back at his apartment he found himself unable to. He kept drifting to the window and looking at the place where the accident had happened, replaying the sounds of the crash again and again in his head. The sight of a blue four-door something or other speeding down the street, not even bothering to look at what it had left behind in its wake. The feel of Dan's head cradled in his lap as he screamed for someone to call 9-1-1.

And back to the hospital room, to Dan's last words. He didn't know what he was supposed to forgive their father for and he supposed now he never would. A wry smile crossed his lips. Knowing Dan it had just been something to mess with his head, a final kick in the pants before leaving this world. He was probably looking down (or up) at JD this very moment and laughing at him.

He drifted around the kitchen, unsure of what to do with himself. JD and Carla were at work, where he would like to be, only they wouldn't allow him to work because he was on the first day of a three day (paid) bereavement leave. At least he might have been able to distract himself for a moment if he threw himself into his work, but he didn't really believe that. He thought about eating something but his stomach churned at the thought of food. He didn't feel like cooking, anyway, and the thought of having to face another person if he ordered takeout made him grimace.

He picked up various piles of paperwork he knew he should catch up on and set each of them down without even glancing at them. He went back to the window. He drifted some more.

The doorbell rang.

JD tensed up, unsure of what to do. He didn't know who it could be and he really didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. He stood in front of the door, willing whoever was on the other side to give up and go away. Another ring, followed by a knock. Damn this persistent bastard, whomever it may be. Another ring and knock, followed by a "Come on newbie, I know you're in there," spoken in a familiar voice.

JD peered through the peephole and Dr. Cox peered back. He quickly unchained and unlocked the door and let the other man in. Dr. Cox carried a pizza and a twelve pack of beer with him, and while JD wasn't too enthusiastic about the pizza, he was definitely happy to see the beer. Dr. Cox wordlessly handed JD a beer and sat down in front of the tv. They drank and watched sports highlights on ESPN, occasionally making a comment on whatever was happening on the screen. Dr. Cox noticed JD wasn't eating and handed him a slice. When JD looked as if he were going to protest, one looking from the older man shut him up, and he ate it without complaint, as well as the second and third slices that were handed to him.

JD glanced at Dr. Cox. This was the first time JD had seen him since he had broken down in his car after the funeral. He wasn't sure what to say and it looked as if Dr. Cox felt the same way. They sat there in silence, watching tv and drinking beer.

JD was the first to break the ice. "Thanks," he said and Dr. Cox looked from the screen to him. He froze. Now that they had made eye contact he forgot what he was going to say. His mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out.

"Calm down Miranda, it's just pizza and beer." Dr. Cox cocked an eyebrow and JD burst out laughing. Chortled. Chuckled. Guffawed. He laughed so hard tears streamed down his face. And then he was just crying.

"_Oh crap_," he thought, through the tears. "_I hope I don't cry __**every**__ time I see him_."


End file.
